That I Might Not Shrink

Tonight I reflected on a talk given by my now Stake President, Jaymeson Stroud. He titled it, “A Time For Faith and Not Fear.” He talks about his wife and their incredible and encouraging time as she faced cancer with a young family. 

He talks of the phone call he got from an ER doctor in Arizona. The doctor told him the while Shelby was in Arizona, she was awakened in the middle of the night by chest pain that leads her to the ER. Through different scans they found a large mass pressing against her heart. Jaymeson at the time was finishing his residency in radiation oncology here in St. Louis. He said this new hit him like a Mack truck. He knew all too well what this meant and what was going to follow. 

When he gave this talk in sacrament meeting, once the meeting concluded, he found me and he told me that this talk was not for the congregation, but that he wrote it with me in mind. But little did I realize how much I would still need his powerful words years later. 

Recently, I met with a doctor that fame me a defining diagnosis after about 8 years of throwing some names around. I have a condition called type two Trigeminal Neuralgia. This is the most difficult to treat and it happens in young patients. There is really no prescription, procedure, or surgery that will ever have lasting effects on keeping some of the worst pain imaginable to the human body. This condition is known to be the worst pain a human and experience and is oftentimes labeled the suicide disease. This was my Mack truck moment.

Jaymeson spoke of the fear and sorrow that washed over him. He had a young family, Shelby, his best friend, his wife was in the fight for her life. Pleading with the Father, Jaymeson recounted, if it be thy will, please let her live. I know that my diagnosis is not life or death, but it is debilitating pain intertwined with anxiety. I am almost two weeks post-op from a procedure that should stop the sensation and hopefully the pain to the entire right side of my face. I have been told I will be lucky if this works for 5 years. I am not sure what my plea to the Father is right now, for the surgery to last me through the last year of college, to continue to learn to function at whatever this condition does throughout the rest of my life or most of all that I might have the strength not to shrink. 

In one of Shelby’s blog posts, she speaks of a dear friend of my family, Alex. At 18 he decided to stop treatment to a brain tumor that he had been battling for nearly 6 years. Shelby wrote of Alex’s “peace blanket.” Alex was at peace knowing his time to return to Heaven was nearing. I can still remember this and I was only 10. Shelby wrote sometimes it is easy to stay outside of his peace blanket and cry and ask why me? why now? But that was not Alex, he wanted all of us to snuggle in with him and be surrounded by the Father’s love. That peace, that blanket can be surrounding us always, IF we let Heavenly Father in and use His Beloved Son’s Atonement.

Another post from Shelby’s blog talked about choosing to be a survivor or be a victim. We can choose to blame and play the victim card and choose despair and darkness or continue to go through our trials and let them mold us into who our Heavenly Father knows we can be. I want to be known as a survivor. Knowing my trigeminal neuralgia is going to be as long of a battle as the Lord sees fit, I want to be a light, I want to survive and work and accomplish my dreams. Adjustments may need to be made along the way, but that does not mean failure. 

Jaymeson shared a quote from Elder Richard G. Scott:
“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He, therefore, gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”

This trial is a trial of faith, of hope, and ultimately coming to my Savior. I am being stretched and I have endured so much pain, but I testify that it is part of Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I am seeing more clearly the lesson taught in the following story: 

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

"And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

One lady proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver.

After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "But sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"

"Oh, yes madam," replied the silversmith, "I must sit with my eyes steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." God sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "When do you know the process is complete?"

"Why that is quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."

This trial at this time in my life is teaching me a lot, but the one thing that I can always see is my Savior helping me along, showing me one step at a time. The days aren’t always easy and this life is daunting, but with my Savior all can be well. 

I have been given this life and its many trails are tests are not for nothing. There are to refine and purify me. They are to help me know my Savior and know that He bore all things for me so that I might return to my Heavenly home. I have to choose to wrap myself in His peace blanket. 

I think often of hymn #85, How Firm A Foundation: 

 Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

This verse, Jesus promises to help bear our burdens, to strengthen us. But read our response to Him from the same song:

 The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,

I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

This verse is our promise to never desert Him. After going through almost 8 years of some of the worst pain known to man, I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have never left my side. They strengthened me when I thought that I could not move another inch. They carried me through some long nights and have filled me with a feeling of everlasting peace. I know that They have saved my life.

For now, 2 weeks post-op, I am not in pain. I don’t know if it will last or if it will ever come back, but I know that it is according to God’s will and timeline. All I ask is that as I continue down this road called life, that I might not shrink at any given point. I pray that I can move forward and make memories along the way.